It’s that time of the year when we all bicker about which films got recognized and which got ignored by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
It’s also the only time of the year when we use the word “snubbed”.
To cut through the loud, uninformed opinions, I recruited a real cinema expert — an escaped mental patient who calls himself “Max the Divine Swine” — who I think can bring some real cinema insight to the conversation.
He’s also really good at claiming responsibility for the demise of both Kmart franchises and Mussolini.
Anyway, below are the five films that Max the Divine Swine thinks REALLY should’ve gotten Oscar love. (During my interview with Max, he took frequent breaks from our conversation to recite the Book of Revelations without using the letter ‘e’ — “to scare away the hair metal dentists”, he declared.)
A Madea Family Funeral
“The Oscars have been criticized — and rightly so — for their lack of inclusion. Nominating ‘A Madea Family Funeral’ would really bring the diversity — anyone who would star in a Tyler Perry film on purpose clearly has a mental disorder, and should thus be celebrated by the Academy.”
Rambo: Last Blood
“The Academy has always favored films about men with violent pasts who get called back for one last mission — ‘Unforgiven’, ‘True Grit’, ‘Erin Brockovich’ — so why not ‘Last Blood’? This is easily the best film of 2019 where a man tortures another man by ripping out his collar bone.”
(About halfway through our interview, Max started doing an impression of a brick wall. Luckily, this only lasted for about three hours, so it didn’t throw off my schedule.)
“Again, the Academy really blew it when it came to representing members of marginalized communities. It’s 2020, and yet we’re still incapable of telling the powerful, moving story about an orphaned red guy conjured by Nazis who decided to defect and devote his life to decapitating giant trolls. It’s really just a better version of Schindler’s List.”
“‘Cats’ was unfairly maligned by critics and audiences alike. Ok, fine — the writing, directing, acting, editing, score, cinematography, sound design, and special effects were terrible. But at least the title was accurate, and that, I think, is deserving of some Oscar love. I mean, anyone remember ‘There Will Be Blood’?”
The Lion King
“Look, I just have a thing for musicals that nobody wanted about anthropomorphic computer generated felines, ok?”
It was at this point in our interview that Max ripped a water fountain from out of the clandestine library conference room we met in, threw it through a window, and then moonwalked out of the room while yelling — in perfect German, no less — that Hollywood is run a government of martians from New Jersey.
If you wanted proof that this man knows movies, there it is.