Yes, people today hate comedy. But it’s still possible to become a successful comedian!
Don’t let the fact that laughter and humor are about to become outlawed discourage you from beginning your career as a professional pun-pusher!
So MAYBE audiences nowadays are as resilient as Fabergé eggs.
And MAYBE comedians no longer have society’s permission to say things that inspire anything resembling chuckles, giggles, or guffaws.
And MAYBE we’re just a few months away from rounding up any person, comedian and otherwise, who ever said anything mildly sarcastic in their past, and hunting them down like in The Most Dangerous Game.
However, if you follow the 7 (not really) easy steps below, you’ll be well on your way to rave reviews from delicate critics, and mild acclaim from everyone else!
1. Only make jokes about things that people can’t possibly be offended by
While there are plenty of people and topics that are completely off-limits, there are still countless things that offer a wealth of stellar material. For example:
- Hats! (Actually, someone in the audience may be born without a head. Don’t risk it.)
- Job promotions! (Actually, this is a little too close to the gender wage gap. Definitely leave it out of your set, just to be safe.)
- The number 37! (Wait, this could be confusing to dyslexic people who might mistake the punchline for the number 73. Scratch that.)
2. Apologize after every joke you make, even if nobody is offended
The masses love going through comedians’ old tweets, sets, and interviews to look for anything offensive that they can use to ruin their careers today. Take the initiative and apologize for everything!
Also, it might be a good idea to preemptively prepare a tweet about how you’re no longer the same person who made those jokes about the number 37, that you’ve moved past making hats the butt of your jokes, and that you believe that even the homeless deserve job promotions.
3. Tell your jokes in a volume that’s quiet enough to not trigger people who are prone to sensory overload, but also loud enough for the hearing-impaired
There’s a fine line between too loud and too quiet. It might be hard to find, but it’s there.
4. Make sure to clear your jokes with the people who are included in them
And if your set consists of no jokes because they were all rejected, so be it. Just get up on that stage and be as funny as you can with your immaterial material.
After all, the show must go on!
5. Don’t punch in any direction except inwardly.
Punching down is generally frowned upon by comedians. But even punching up can get you into trouble these days.
Solution? Be your own punching bag!
Audiences love self-deprecating comedians, so get out there and give yourself some inbound jabs!
(Actually, don’t even punch yourself; audiences may get the wrong impression and call the nearest suicide prevention organization.)
6. Tailor your jokes for a handful of critics, not the billions of people who inhabit Earth
Most comedians will tell you that there’s no better feeling than making a stadium of people laugh at the same time.
They don’t know what they’re talking about.
The audiences who really matter are those who watch your Netflix special and judge your jokes on how well they align with their personal political views, so be sure to stalk them on their social media accounts to find out which side of the aisle they’re on and get to writin’!
7. Strive for purity in your jokes, not humor.
Adjust your one-liners to ensure that they adhere to the tenets of today’s trendy puritanism.
Don’t even THINK about thinking for yourself and coming up with a unique provocative persona.
Just keep your jokes toothless and bland as possible, and you’ll do just fine, kid.
There! Being a comedian in these hypersensitive times couldn’t be easier!
(But just to be safe, maybe consider not becoming a comedian. That way nobody will be offended.)
Good luck with your comedy career!
(Seriously, just don’t.)
I’ve got plenty more stupid articles on tap — check ’em out!