I’m in a bad place right now.
And I’m having a blast.
You see, I have a complicated relationship with Medium.
It’s not really a love/hate relationship; it’s more like an “if you were a person, I’d gladly slaughterize you/if you were a person, I’d gladly repopulate a post-apocalyptic future with you” relationship.
And I don’t think I’m the only writer who feels this way about the eponymous platform.
There’s the healthy way to be a Medium writer.
You write a few stories, you improve your writing skills, you see what kind of feedback you get when you publish a story, try out new topics, then you go about the rest of your life as a professional employee or full-time human being or whatever.
Then there’s the unhealthy way to be a Medium writer.
You check your Stats way too often, you get frustrated when you break a winning streak of hit stories with an underperforming story, you wish for a pox upon the house of Medium for not curating your stories as often as you like, and it pisses you off when you write a story that has a thousand claps yet only makes you $3.47.
And then, there’s MY way to be a Medium writer (which is the same as the unhealthy way, but cooler).
You have all of the symptoms that come with the unhealthy fixation of writing on Medium, except you, uh, you get to…um…you have the benefit of having…it’s just more fun, ok?
And if you think I’m exaggerating my addiction for Medium-writing in this clearly satirical article, below are some examples that prove my writing-for-Medium-ness is akin to being addicted to dice and bookies:
1. I can’t stop writing on Medium
When I wake up in the morning, I never forget to breathe or blink or walk the dog or check my Stats and snarl at the lack of engagement or celebrate with aging strippers when one of my posts gets curated. I’m a firm believer in discipline.
2. I devote too much time to writing on Medium despite the fact it makes me very little money
I write during the time I should be using towards something more lucrative, like finishing the cure for cancer that I’ve been working that only needs half a cup of water and a tablespoon of molasses to become FDA approved.
I’ve got claps to earn from complete strangers, you see.
Watch Out, Jeff Bezos, ‘Cuz I Just Made $8.56 In My First Month Writing On Medium
Not too long ago, I chronicled my first major Medium milestone — making $1.47 during my inaugural week writing on the…
3. I write on Medium to get away from my life’s problems
The doctor says my bones are losing calcium; my wife is two-timing me with my dad, my mom, and my mistress; and I’m pretty sure that pizza delivery van that’s been parked across the street for the last three weeks is actually the FBI trying to bust me distilling high-proof baby formula in my garage (the idiots — the distillery’s in the basement!).
But hey, at least I’m now a Top Writer in “Life Advice”.
4. I write to recover money I didn’t make from previous stories
If I spend 2 hours writing an article and it only makes me 39 cents, I then spend 3 hours writing another article to make up for how poorly the previous one performed, and it if it makes 40 cents, I feel triumph flowing through my veins. I am not proud.
I Made $1.47 in My 1st Week Writing for Medium — My Path to Excessive Wealth
Several months ago, I quit my full-time job at a Silicon Valley startup so I could focus on my creative endeavors…
Anyway, my therapist said that admitting is the first step to recovery. And that’s why I’m looking for a new therapist.
If there are any other Medium junkies out there, reach out to me, and maybe we can start a support group together, or at least a softball team.
Right after we’re done checking out Medium Stats, that is.
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