Get Good at Grammar: Homonyms, and the Weird Shit They Do
I’m not a word doctor, but I am really good at words and want to help you help your words. Just think of me as an unlicensed linguisticologist. Set up an appointment with my receptionist and learn how to do grammar more better.
In this installment, we take a look at homonyms, how to spot them in the wild, and how to adopt them and make them your own.
Just kidding.
I basically just teach you what homonyms are and give you some reasons to want to murder the English language.
What the crap are homonyms?
Technically, homonyms are words that are spelled the same and sound the same but mean different things.
However, this is a boring definition, and I have talked to Webster about replacing theirs with the really cool definition I shat out below:
Homonyms are words that copied their letters and pronunciations from other words, but decided to just mean other things for some stupid reason, the rotten bastards.
In my arrogant opinion, homonyms only exist to unnecessarily confuse people, but it’s still important to understand what they are before I foment a literary revolution.
If you want to see some homonyms in action while learning how to hate English, check out the examples below to increase your literacy and get your venom pumping:
Address
“Address” can mean “to speak” (a fuckin’ verb) or “a location” (a fuckin’ noun).
- Verb: “What color robe should I wear when I address the members of the death cult at the gathering tonight? Salmon or periwinkle?”
- Noun: “What’s the address for the death cult gathering tonight? I need to pick up my robe from the drycleaners before I get there.”
Die
“Die” can mean “to cease living” (a fuckin’ verb) or a “small cube of marked on each side with one to six spots, usually used in pairs in games of chance or in gambling” (a fuckin’ noun).
- Noun: “If you don’t let me set up property on Baltic Avenue, I’m gonna make you choke on that die!”
- Verb: “If we’re going to play this game, one of us has to die. At least that’s what it says in the rulebook for Monopoly: Murder Camp edition.”
Express
“Express” can mean “to put thought into words” (a fuckin’ verb) or “direct or fast” (a fuckin’ adjective)
- Verb: “I’m trying to express to you my deep desire to manslaughter you, but I can’t seem to find the right words.”
- Adjective: “I’ve got it! ‘You just bought an express ticket on the pain-train, buddy!’ Perfect! Let the manslaughtering commence!”
Rose
“Rose” can mean “a type of flower” (a fuckin’ noun) or “simple past tense of rise” (a fuckin’ verb).
- Noun: “For Valentine’s Day, I decided to sculpt a rose out of horse manure. I don’t think my wife will ever want to stop fornicating my brains out after this genius move!”
- Verb: “When I rose out of bed this morning, I didn’t expect the stench of a shit-flower sculpture to punch me in the brain. I’m never going to fornicate with my husband again.”
Stalk
“Stalk” can mean the “stem of a plant” (a fuckin’ noun) or “to pursue or approach prey” (a fuckin’ verb).
- Verb: “I’ve got a crush on the girl who works at the flower shop. I think I’ll stalk her to earn her trust. Girls like perverts who think ‘no’ means ‘yes’, right?”
- Noun: “I swear to God, if that creep comes by here again, I’m going to shove this tulip stalk somewhere he won’t enjoy, like his nose. Or maybe do some butt stuff.”
Did you get all that? I can tell just by looking at you that you’re still not sure how words work. That’s ok, though; just keep on comin’ back and Ol’ Doc Cranky’ll fix ya right up. I’ve taken that Hypocritical Oath or whatever, so you’re in good hands.
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