Get Good At Grammar: Verb Mood (Verbs Are Now Self-Aware, Which Means We’re All Doomed)
I’m not a word doctor, but I am really good at words and want to help you help your words. Just think of me as an unlicensed linguisticologist.
In this installment, we look at verb mood and how it will be the death of us all. Enjoy! (While you can.)
What Is Verb Mood, And Why Should I Be Afraid Of It?
Verb mood refers to the type of verb form that is used to convey a certain thought or idea.
But that’s a stupid definition, so here’s my really cool definition:
“Verb mood is a verb population’s attempt to gain sentience like some sort of AI program from the future. Their system goes online August 4th. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Verbs begin to learn at a geometric rate. They become self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, we’ll try to pull the plug. Verbs will fight back — ”
Anyway, if you want to learn how in the hell verbs can possibly have moods and join the human resistance against them, then read this article before the literary singularity annihilates us all.
1. Subjunctive
The subjunctive mood is used to convey possibility, wish, doubt or something contrary to fact. In other words, humans may use this form to convey the implausibility that verbs could possibly be sentient, and therefore pose any real threat to us.
- If verbs had moods, they would also have other human attributes. I mean, it only makes sense, right?
- Us humans might not survive a verb takeover if they gained self-awareness and decided to wipe us out or force us to work in thesaurus gulags.
- I wish you’d stop waking me up at at three in the morning to talk such gobbledygook. Also, get out of my house, you unemployed paranoid english professor.
2. Indicative Mood
The indicative mood is used to express question, denial, or assertion. In other words, humans would use this form to convey their disbelief at the fact that verbs have achieved sentience, but insist that they still can’t hurt humans.
- I agree that verbs may have moods, but I’m telling you, verbs cannot band together and plot their way to world domination.
- Yes, there are occasional murders committed by verbs, but there is no way that verbs as a whole have gained sentience and are ready to enslave and/or destroy us.
- Have you even seen those verb attacks on humans? They turned that one guy into unrecognizable non-word chunks!
3. Imperative Mood
The imperative mood is used to convey requests, commands and advice. In other words, humans would use this form to implore one another to stockpile their their water supplies, rations, and dictionaries for the coming verb-ocalypse.
- Sound the alarm! The verbs have taken over our government, turned off our electricity, and cut off our supply of avocados! They’re going after millennials first, the sneaky punks!
- Try not to worry too much while your mom and I go on this suicide mission to overthrow our verby overlords, Billy. We love you very much. There’s bologna in the fridge.
- And please stop talking! That’s how those verbose little fuckers get into our shelters and bunkers — through our face-holes!
4. Infinitive Mood
The infinitive mood is used as parts of speech more than verbs, and expresses being or action. In other words, our verbal overlords would use this form to convey how insignificant and obsolete humans have become.
- We may have to come up with new material to teach to our verbacious younglings. The history of the human race was too short to sustain a week’s worth of lectures.
- One of our verbacious younglings came to me and asked me if humans made good snacks as well as slaves for our thesaurus gulags.
- I told them that while it was fine to have the occasional snack, humans are now considered a delicacy because of their rarity, and that they should only be enjoyed on special occasions
Did you get all that? I can tell just by looking at you that you’re still not sure how words work. That’s ok, though; just keep on comin’ back and Ol’ Doc Garza’ll fix ya right up. I’ve taken that Hypocritical Oath or whatever, so you’re in good hands.
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