I Just Turned 30 And I’m Totally Fine. No Anxiety Here. Nope…(please help)…

I’M NOT ANXIOUS ABOUT TURNING 30, YOU’RE ANXIOUS ABOUT ME TURNING 30.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday, and I have absolutely no anxiety about my life.

I just want to make that very clear.

The reason I bring that up is because some of my friends, family members, and escaped convicts (who I helped escape) that I know all went through this period around their 30th birthdays where they were like “I JUST TURNED 30 OMG MY LIFE IS ALREADY 37% OVER AND I’M STILL A LOSER PLEASE SAVE ME SUPERMAN” or whatever.

Apparently, these people are operating under the bizarre impression that stupidity, fun, and sex are outlawed when you’ve reached your third decade of existence.

But not me!

My best years are still ahead of me, and that’s what keeps me so tranquil about my stupid goddamn motherfucking 30s WHY CAN’T I JUST STAY 29 AND A QUARTER FOR THE REST OF MY —

Hell, you might as well call me Well-Adjusted Willie.

I mean, sure, part of me is considering throwing myself into an active or even dormant volcano for not having become a rock star / Hollywood filmmaker / classical composer / astronaut / cowboy yet I SHOULD’VE ACCEPTED THOSE INTERNSHIP OFFERS FROM…