I Know I Don’t Pray To You As Often As I Should, But Please Curate This Story, Medium Curators
I come to you a broken man and an unemployed writer.
All of us lowly Medium writers are aware that you all act in mysterious ways, and that getting one of our stories curated on your glorious platform is a privilege, not a right, and is an occasion that should be celebrated by bringing out our finest meats and cheeses as tribute to said mysterious ways.
However, I have traveled hither and yon to find you to humbly demand that this story, the one you now hold in your holy hands, be given the curation treatment, as I believe that I have a strong case for this request.
In the The Medium Model, your founder, Ev Williams, stated that Medium prioritizes “smart thinking on things that matter.” To that, I say this:
In addition, Ev emphasizes that stories that perform the best on your platform have “a better headline, some nice art, a copy edit.” Here’s how the story you’re reading right now checks the living fuck out of those boxes:
A Better Headline
I mean, you really can’t beat “I Know I Don’t Pray To You As Often As I Should, But Please Curate This Story, Medium Curators”, can you?
I’m expecting a call from the Pulitzer Prize Board any day now because of that headline.
Some Nice Art
Ok, here you go:
I painted this last night, by the way.
You’re not going to say “no” to Vincent van Joe, are you?
A Copy Edit
Watch me ensure I spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” correctly:
See? Copy editing.
If none of this has convinced you of my need for curation, I wrote a prayer to appeal to your better angels that I totally didn’t borrow elements of from another, more pious prayer:
Our Curators, Who art on Medium,
Hallowed be my Claps.
My Fans will come.
My Reads be done, on earth as it is in the Medium Partner Program.
Give us this day our daily Views.
And forgive us our Edits,
as we forgive Publications who Edit against us.
And lead us forth into Curation,
and deliver us from non-Member readers. Amen.
In addition to the tags that I usually write for — HUMOR, WRITING, SATIRE, etc. — please curate this article in the following categories:
- The Best Medium Writer EVER
So please — I’m genuflecting as hard as I can here — curate this story.
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi — uh, I mean, Medium Curators — you’re my only hope.
And while you’re at it, curate these other masterpieces: