I Know There’s An Argument To Be Made That Demons Are Nobody’s Friends, But…
A modest pitch.
Look, I know demons and devils and incubi and succubi and what have you frighten the buh-Jesus out of a lot of people, especially those of the Judeo-Christian persuasion.
And, generally, for good reason.
Letting the occasional malignant spirit into your mortal frame has some benefits that are often overlooked in discussions about exorcism. As someone who’s not under the influence of a hellish fiend at this exact moment (praise to you, Satan!) I can honestly and un-possessedly tell you that being a Bed & Breakfast for Beelzebub is actually pretty cool.
Check it out! (By the way, Satan have pity on my long despair!)
Sometimes It’s Good To Just Take A Break From Your Earthly Vessel
Do you ever just look around your existence and reality itself and think, “man, I wish a devilish imp could use my vessel as an Uber ride so I can take a metaphysical breather from my earthly responsibilities?”
I mean, whose brain HASN’T thought that thought?
That’s why I keep my commercial demon on speed dial, and let me tell you, having Captain Howdy on retainer has been quite the godsend. So to speak. (Ahem.)
But you’re probably wondering what happens to your soul when a hellion is taking your person for a mischievous test drive, which brings me to my next point:
I Hear Hell Is Nice This Time Of Year
Look, I know Hell gets a bad rap from all of those movies about what it’s like to die and be sent to the underworld; Hellraiser, Drag Me To Hell, All Dogs Go To Heaven 1 AND 2, etc.
But look, Captain Howdy gave me an informative pamphlet (printed on the skin of a virgin cannibal, no less!), and Inferno really looks like a charming place to rent a timeshare.
With decapitated head bocce ball courts, nightly performances of Rosemary’s Baby: The Musical Revue, and both indoor AND outdoor volcano pools — hell, it’s fun for the whole family, for Christ’s sake!
Also, the crowds are much smaller than All Dogs Go To Heaven 2 would have you believe.
You’ll Make Way More Selling Your Soul To A Demon Than Selling It On eBay
Are those pesky student loan debts still eating away at your credit? Are you trying to save up for a luxury cruise to the Bahamas? Has that Mafia bookie put a bounty on your head because of the money you owe him AND because you slept with his wife AND mistress?
Yeah, I hear ya, buddy. Things are tough all over.
Luckily, all of your money problems can disappear in a puff of crimson smoke and a whiff of sulfur.
All you gotta do is pony up one measly soul — yours or that of your firstborn, whichever is more convenient — and kiss your terrestrial financial obligations goodbye. Demons guarantee top dollar for every soul, whether it’s that of a serial killer or a nun!
Plus, tell them I sent you, and they’ll throw in a free curse to be put on the bowels of one of your mortal enemies! What a steal!
You look pretty convinced by my pitch, so I’m going to assume you’re ready for a good ol’ occupancy (they don’t like the word “possession”)!
Just do me a favor: when you sign up for occupancy, let them know I recommended you; I get a finder’s fee in the form of Medieval coins and witch hazel.
Here’s another story I wrote about demonic “occupancy”: