I’ll Never Do Cocaine, But If I Did, This Is How I’d Do It

I can’t be the only one who creates coke-y fan-fiction about themselves, right?

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I’ve never done cocaine, and I probably never will.

Call me a puritan, but that hard stuff just doesn’t appeal to me. I’ll just stick to paint thinner, thank you very much.

However, while I have no real interest in taking the Big C for a test drive, I have thought a lot about it, and have even planned out the perfect imaginary scenario.

Get high on this:

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It goes without saying that I’d need to see a resume, complete with references, soft and hard skills, etc.

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Do Farmers Markets also function as back alley “pharmacies”? Asking for myself.

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Pro Tip: If you tell your local rancher what you plan on using the straw for, he’ll give it to you for free AND pretend he never met you if the cops come around asking questions!

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I’m a family man, what can I say? But I’d have to hit that dust before 7pm; that’s when Matlock comes on.

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Blow doesn’t come with instructions, but I heard putting it in your, uh, “business end” results in a more mellow, slow release effect. Just like when “inserting” Children’s Tylenol!

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