I can’t be the only one who creates coke-y fan-fiction about themselves, right?
I’ve never done cocaine, and I probably never will.
Call me a puritan, but that hard stuff just doesn’t appeal to me. I’ll just stick to paint thinner, thank you very much.
However, while I have no real interest in taking the Big C for a test drive, I have thought a lot about it, and have even planned out the perfect imaginary scenario.
Get high on this:
I’d make sure I purchased coke from only the most trustworthy of dealers
It goes without saying that I’d need to see a resume, complete with references, soft and hard skills, etc.
Because I care about my health, I would only snort cocaine that was all-natural and locally-sourced
Do Farmers Markets also function as back alley “pharmacies”? Asking for myself.
I would sniff it with only the finest, most organic straw I could find
Pro Tip: If you tell your local rancher what you plan on using the straw for, he’ll give it to you for free AND pretend he never met you if the cops come around asking questions!
I’d only do it around people who won’t mess with me when I’m as high as a groovy kite: my parents
I’m a family man, what can I say? But I’d have to hit that dust before 7pm; that’s when Matlock comes on.
It wouldn’t go up my nose…
Blow doesn’t come with instructions, but I heard putting it in your, uh, “business end” results in a more mellow, slow release effect. Just like when “inserting” Children’s Tylenol!
Anyway, that’s just a little fantasy I’ve been suffering from recently.
Well, back to licking frogs!
If you want even more literary stupidity, check out some of my other “masterpieces”: