I’ve got a scoundrel’s smirk on my face right now, awed from the meager success I’ve achieved while making a bratty asswipe of myself for the amusement and anger of people I’ll probably never meet in real life.

I feel like I’ve just gotten away with something.

Read on to see why my previous internet week has me puffing my chest like a proper arrogant bastard:

Monday: Featured in a Bridget Phetasy YouTube Video

Twitter Goddess, Master Podcaster, and All-Around Babe Bridget Phetasy had her people call my people to arrange for me to find some time in my busy unemployed schedule to appear in an episode of her weekly blockbuster YouTube series, Dumpster Fire.

Check out the exchange below where my legendary words graced the silver screen:

Tuesday: Berated By A Rabid Librarian

I recently published an article about the cancer of wokeness that’s taking over Canadian libraries, and got some unsolicited hate for it. One of the funniest rebukes was this impeccably worded diatribe from someone who calls themselves “TheWellSeasonedLibrarian”:

I decided to take the high road and respond with some heartfelt and totally non-sarcastic compliments:

But he wasn’t digging it:

Wednesday: Labeled a Top Writer in “Diversity” & “Feminism” By Medium

Ha! Medium thinks I’m woke!

I’ve spent numerous articles for the past several months criticizing the excesses of feminism, diversity, and wokeness in general, so I guess Medium is right for labeling me as a leading thinker in these areas.

I’m expecting — and very much looking forward to — the hate I’m going to get from future readers…

Thursday: Crossed 1,000 Twitter Followers

I’m particularly proud of this one, mostly because it means I’m well on my way to achieving Kardashian clout.

I don’t want you to think I’m drunk on my newfound power and relevance, but… yeah, this stuff tastes great can I have another you wanna piece of me I LOVE YOU MAN —

Friday: Um…Had Some Boba Tea?

I’d been having some dental problems for a while and was waiting for my dental insurance to kick in, but I’m also not going to say no to a totally heterosexual Valentine’s Day dinner and movie with a homeboy.

Food denser than Jell-O pudding was a no-go for me, but that boba tea made for a kinda-sorta-but-not-really acceptable substitute.

So as you can see, my internet week was better than yours.

(Probably because you have a real life outside your laptop.)

Check out some more of my goofy articles. They’ll either make you laugh or hate me: