My Dog Is Either A Muppet Reject Or An Adorable Goblin, I’m Not Sure Which
There are only two possibilities about the lineage of my dog, Chomper: he is either something Jim Henson tossed in the garbage because he thought the world wasn’t ready for a mutant Muppet, or he’s an extra from the cinematic masterpiece, Gremlins, as seen below:
Both options are equally delightful.
And if you think my musings on the matter are unfounded, check out the list below for the weird traits that Chomper has that the average pooch doesn’t:
Why would a dog have a mohawk? To attract female dogs? To attract female humans for his dad/owner? I sure hope so, ‘cuz I’m taking my boy clubbing, yo!
I haven’t tested this, but I’m pretty sure the mohawk is designed to make him more aerodynamically sound when chasing cats, mailmen, and criminals.
Having an underbite means, I assume, that Chomper can eat his food like some kind of Tonka tractor. I’m pretty sure that Chomper having the lower jaw of a vampire bat is proof of evolution.
Sure, his smile is cute as all get-out, and can even melt the heart of a Yakuza hitman, but my non-existent dental plan doesn’t cover the cost of Chomper’s jagged little Pearly Gates. That’s me saying that my wallet is empty, in case you care (spoiler alert: you don’t).
As long as it’s not a soul patch from the early 2000s, I won’t bust out the Venus razor and Skintimate shave gel.
Seriously though, if it weren’t for his goofy smile and mohawk, you’d think he was some kind of hairy little wizard.
Anyway, that’s pretty much all you need to know about my furry little dependent who’s crashing on my couch and can’t even be claimed as a tax deduction. Again, that’s me saying that my wallet is empty, in case you care (spoiler alert: you don’t).
If there are any evolutionary biologists out there who are interested in explaining this adorable little anomaly…please find something better to do with your life.
…I prefer waking up with my tiny mystery of a companion licking my face every morning.