My Fan Mail: Letters of Subdued Praise, Incoherent Hate, and Bogus Offers

This week, my mailbox is really just a garbage bag of stupidity. Enjoy!

Many of you have probably noticed that I’ve become quite the cultural leader on Medium.

In fact, some may even say that I’ve become a literary God among illiterate apes (my words, not theirs).

As you would expect, I get a fair amount of fan mail from my devoted readers, and to prove how influential I am, I thought I’d share some of the letters I’ve received without the authors’ permission, and respond to them with words.

Bask in the evidence of my greatness!

Dear man/woman/emu farmer,

You may have already won $1 gazillion!

To find out if you’re a winner, send us a check for $3,500 for tax loophole reasons, and we’ll probably get back to you at some point in the next 2 to 49,000 weeks notifying you if you qualify for more money that ever existed, or if you’ll continue living your life as a loser Medium writer who sends what little money he has left to bullshit offers.

Or, you can enter our totally non-scammy sweepstakes for a chance to win Infinite Dollars! Just send us the deed to your house (don’t worry, just lie to the IRS and tell them you donated to a church or emu…