My Fan Mail: Letters of Subdued Praise, Incoherent Hate, and Bogus Offers
This week, my mailbox is really just a garbage bag of stupidity. Enjoy!
Many of you have probably noticed that I’ve become quite the cultural leader on Medium.
In fact, some may even say that I’ve become a literary God among illiterate apes (my words, not theirs).
As you would expect, I get a fair amount of fan mail from my devoted readers, and to prove how influential I am, I thought I’d share some of the letters I’ve received without the authors’ permission, and respond to them with words.
Bask in the evidence of my greatness!
Dear man/woman/emu farmer,
You may have already won $1 gazillion!
To find out if you’re a winner, send us a check for $3,500 for tax loophole reasons, and we’ll probably get back to you at some point in the next 2 to 49,000 weeks notifying you if you qualify for more money that ever existed, or if you’ll continue living your life as a loser Medium writer who sends what little money he has left to bullshit offers.
Or, you can enter our totally non-scammy sweepstakes for a chance to win Infinite Dollars! Just send us the deed to your house (don’t worry, just lie to the IRS and tell them you donated to a church or emu orphanage for a tiny deduction).
Don’t wait — act now, loser!
Connie Conmanson of Sham, Scam, and Sons
Check’s in the mail! Boy, when I get that $1 gazillion and/or Infinite Dollars, I’ll finally be able to buy a comfortable electrified cage for my emus instead of just letting them escape all the time.
You’re my third — no — 6TH favorite writer on Medium!
I am such an AVERAGE fan of your work, that I always make sure to only read one or two of your stories every 3–4 months.
Your writing never fails to make me nod my head in semi-agreement or merely shrug my shoulders in general apathy.
And once in a big while — I mean, the biggest of whiles — I share your articles on my social media accounts. When I do share you work, instead of saying something like “great blog post from Joe Garza”, I just say something like “interesting article”. Mentioning your name makes me out to be some kind of admirer, and that’s just not what I’m interested in at the moment.
Anyway, keep up the mediocre work!
Casu L. Reeder
Always nice to hear from my most cursory of fans! If you keep reading — and ignoring — my stories, I’ll keep writing them like the functionally insane and compulsive writer I am!
Dear Medium writer to whom this may concern,
Get better at the english, yeah?
Your words are the worstest, you’re grammar is unhealthy, your syntax is the village idiot, and you don’t know nothing about the things you’re making sentences about!
If you want to be the bestest word-creator, make sure you arrive at the nearest spelling school firstest, you dum-dum guy!
So pleeze end your habit of writing things that are not good, and start a new habit of writing things that are not NOT good, you know what I mean?
If you stop being the non-bestest story-maker, I MAYBE-MIGHT think about making my eyes look at your blog posts someday, but not today, because your word products are still the non-bestest!
In small, stop producing Medium caca for the brain, and start producing Medium ice cream for the brain!
Bro Ken Inglesh
Wow. This is a real wake up call for me, Bro. I really appreciate your illiterate candor, and, based on your jumbled suggestion, have decided to take a sabbatical from writing on Medium and arrive at the nearest spelling school firsest. Thanks for the tough, incoherent love!
And there you have it. If you’d like to write me letters praising me as your new god, offer my father dowries for my hand in marriage, or simply remind me of my obligation to various assassins, deposed genocidal dictators, and mafia bookies, well then, just do it already.
Fare thee well, my lowly minions.
For more evidence of my celebrity, check out my previous fan mail segment: