Watch Out, Jeff Bezos, ‘Cuz I Just Made $8.56 In My First Month Writing On Medium
Not too long ago, I chronicled my first major Medium milestone — making $1.47 during my inaugural week writing on the eponymous platform — and am now ready to make you shit yourself with envy by relating to you, dear reader, my latest landmark achievement:
I have made $8.56 in my first month writing on Medium.
Which is bad news for all of you unsuspecting barons, magnates, and tycoons out there.
I’m talking to you “Egghead” Elon Musk.
And you, too, “Baby” Bill Gates.
And especially you, “Jerk-butt” Jeff Bezos.
Get your bankruptcy papers in order, fellas, ‘cuz I’m gonna make your businesses look like antique-dinosaur-rotary dial telephone-stores by the time my blog takes off.
But first, allow me to ask a first-person question that’s really just for your benefit:
How Did I Become A Future Trillionaire With Medium?
I think it was just pure raw talent. There’s no substitute for that.
Also, mixing cocaine with caffeine pills and inserting them into my, um, left nostril was a good way to increase my productivity.
But if you want a more detailed outline of what I did to reserve a table at the Legendary Trillionaire’s Restaurant, then here it is:
I published my virtuosic writing regularly.
I started off publishing stories twice a week, then drastically increased the frequency up to a seemingly impossible THRICE a week.
By consistently publishing my literary masterpieces, my audience consistently grew, which led to more claps, and more marriage proposals from complete strangers.
I analyzed my stats like an accountant checking the finances of a 1930s gangster.
I know there’s a stigma around Medium writers who constantly check their stats, but I disrespectfully disagree with that notion.
Keeping abreast of my stats like an over-caffeinated hawk helped me ascertain which stories performed the best, which topics were most popular, if writing for publications led to an increase in traffic, etc.
I planned out what I was going to write like some sort of precognitive Shakespeare.
First, I scanned Medium to see which types of articles got the most action, then tried to find come up with topics for posts that I hadn’t seen on Medium but might do well with its audience.
Second, I brainstormed as many topics as I could, then went back and refined them and made sure they actually made some kind of sense.
And finally, I created a rough outline for when I could write and publish each article so that I always had something to work on. Obviously, this is a list that I constantly update with my creative thoughty-thoughts.
Keep reading so I can make you shit AND puke yourself with envy. I hope you’re wearing a garbage bag.
What Can I Buy For $8.75? Happiness Junk, That’s What
First week writing on Medium, the Dollar Tree.
Fourth week writing for Medium, Amazon Bargain Finds.
(Fifth week, Rainforest Wood and Dodo Bird Egg Depot. Obviously.)
Kimkoo Silk Sleep Mask
I already sleep the sleep of the just, but now I can sleep the sleep of a posh Batman.
Chef’n LooseLeaf Herb Stripper
Enjoy your stems, commoners! Now I can consume stemless kale, collard greens, chard, and herbs anytime I want! I’ll eat like a vegetarian king, I tell you!
Zyllion Shampoo Scalp Massage Brush
Are you tired of thinking “man, I wish I could afford to improve my circulation, stimulate hair growth, and get a deeper clean from my shampoo”? Well, you can. But only if you write for Medium, that is, you bum.
WOVTE Bear Claw Telescopic Back Scratcher
I’ve been waiting to be able to scratch my unmentionables without using my non-Medium poverty-hands. Now I can, so nyaaah!
COSRX Acne Pimple Master Patches
I outgrew my teenage years when I turned 25, so acne isn’t really a problem anymore. Still, it’s nice to have a backup plan in case I get diagnosed with Awkward Puberty (don’t laugh — my uncle died of Awkward Puberty).
Plans For The Future
Now that I’m power walking on the path to disgusting affluence, I think it’s time to start planning what I’m going to do with all of the money I don’t yet have.
After a wicked 9 minutes of hardcore brain-thinking, below is the plan that I have set in stone:
Hire some unpaid interns and pay them with recommendations they’ll have to write themselves.
Obviously, my blog will soon overtake such major global conglomerates as Amazon, Google, and the Girl Scouts of America.
However, I think it was Jesus (you know, of Nazareth) who said that the road to success is paved with the corpses of free labor.
Put a down payment on a mansion, a yacht, and a meth lab.
And as soon as I can afford to purchase the Earth’s atmosphere so I can hold illegal air balloon death races, I’ll have won quadruple trillionaire Yahtzee!
Create a fake LLC and open an offshore bank account in the Cayman Islands.
I don’t know much about pirate banks, but I assume they have something to do with Johnny Depp and Disney franchises that have overstayed their welcome. And even if I get caught, I hear Bernie Madoff is looking for a roommate.
Marry a gold digging supermodel and have lots of children who look nothing like me.
If my death entails being poisoned by an Amazonian goddess who’s into the whole “looks don’t matter to me, only bank accounts” thing, then I’ll consider myself lucky, frankly.
Put that box of monocles to use and live my life with the utmost disregard for people who don’t write for Medium.
Look, you’ll never join us in high society if you’re too stupid to bring a pickaxe to a goldmine (this is a metaphor, in which the pickaxe is the act of writing puerile articles and the goldmine is Medium.com, for those of you non-Medium-types).
Well, there’s not much on my mind at the moment except my guaranteed future as a trillionaire playboy that women want to be with, and men ALSO want to be with.
However, it’s customary for these types of posts to end on a positive note, so here it goes:
“I’m positive that I’m going to be disgustingly rich in a matter of weeks.”
Anyway, toodle-oo for now, I guess.
If you enjoyed reading my blogging antics as much as I may or may not have enjoyed writing them, follow me on Twitter for even more literary irresponsibility!