I’ll be so rich, I’ll be able to buy a staircase so I can finally reach the second story of my mansion.

Watch Out, Jeff Bezos, ‘Cuz I Just Made $8.56 In My First Month Writing On Medium

Not too long ago, I chronicled my first major Medium milestone — making $1.47 during my inaugural week writing on the eponymous platform — and am now ready to make you shit yourself with envy by relating to you, dear reader, my latest landmark achievement:

I have made $8.56 in my first month writing on Medium.

Which is bad news for all of you unsuspecting barons, magnates, and tycoons out there.

I’m talking to you “Egghead” Elon Musk.

And you, too, “Baby” Bill Gates.

And especially you, “Jerk-butt” Jeff Bezos.

Get your bankruptcy papers in order, fellas, ‘cuz I’m gonna make your businesses look like antique-dinosaur-rotary dial telephone-stores by the time my blog takes off.

But first, allow me to ask a first-person question that’s really just for your benefit:

How Did I Become A Future Trillionaire With Medium?

I think it was just pure raw talent. There’s no substitute for that.

Also, mixing cocaine with caffeine pills and inserting them into my, um, left nostril was a good way to increase my productivity.